A few months back I'd check on Bug every 10 seconds If I was in the kitchen making dinner. These days I nip into the living room, make sure she's not on fire, and continue cooking.
I seem to have stopped worrying about her in the confines of our home. Yesterday, not long after waking, Bear and I lost
track of her:
BEAR: Where's Bug?
ME: I think she's looking at stuff under our bed.
BEAR: What stuff?
ME: You know. Guns and things. Matches. A couple of paedophiles.
BEAR: Shit. That reminds me.
BEAR: We need to throw the paedophiles out.
ME: They'll be right dusty.
Thing is, when out of the flat I become overly cautious. I use 'cautious' cautiously. One day Bug may
choose the words 'overbearing,' 'protective' and 'suffocating.' Of course that would be a private conversation between her and her therapist so best not to speculate.
I follow Bug around playgrounds like a paranoid shadow in case she falls into a puddle of scrapes and tears. As Newton famously never said: what goes up must drop down like a bastard. Not that she's had any big falls -- not with me around. If she stumbles, I catch her. If she looks
like she's going to stumble, I catch her. Sometimes I decide it's best to stay at home to give the stumbles the slip.
Overbearing, protective and suffocating™
There's a climbing frame at our park that Bug loves. It's shaped like an ark and has a raised platform four feet off the ground with sheer drops on three sides. Bug's covered in skin not bubble wrap so I dash around like a mental trying to stop her falling off. I shit myself regularly. Bug thinks it's a game and tries to dodge my flailing arms. I shit myself a bit more and leap as she dives off the edge. She lands in my arms and giggles. I breathe more and shit less.
The thing is, I'm worried she's kamikaze becasue she knows I'll be there to catch her. It's lovely that she has such (blind) faith, but it's not helping either of us. I need to teach her to be safe in a way that doesn't involve tears, tantrums and whatever else I can do to make her feel guilty.
I'm open to suggestions.
Bye for now.