Sunday, 27 May 2012

To judge or not to judge

I work in the entertainment industry the same way that Angelina Jolie's colonic irrigationist does. I sell DVDs, spending my days telling disappointed children that they're too young to know what Debbie does in Dallas; squandering time wondering how much pensioners could save if they got a decent broadband connection instead of buying Italian soft porn at £18 a wank.

I have awkward conversations with customers. For example, a lady with the hugest boobs I'd ever seen came up to me recently.
        'Do you have the new Judds album?' she asked
        I was distracted. 'Jugs'? I replied.
        I panicked. I'd said Jugs not Judds.
        'No. Judds. Double D.'
        I almost choked.

I try not to judge other parents. As it says in the bible: judge not lest ye be an absolute bastard.  Or something like that. Something to do with fish. Fish and smiting. A bit of gnashing. Sometimes I watch mum's and dad's scream and shout at children in the shop. Tiny kids and big kids. They get pulled, slapped and called names.

It upsets me. I judge them.

I want to bop people on the nose although I don't. Firstly I'd lose my job. Secondly, I worry the parents would bop me back with more bop than I could muster. So I do the next best thing: I grump loudly to colleagues. On one occasion, when a little boy of two was being painfully yanked about, I said in passing to a colleague 'some people are absolute cunts!' spitting the word 'cunts' into the stunned face of an innocent man who now stood where my colleague had been. I felt awful: awful for the wee boy, awful for cunt man.

I judged the parents of this young boy instantly. Quite certain cunt man judged me too.

Lots of times a mum/dad will buy a film wholly inappropriate for their 8 year old. The clue's often in the title. Things like 'Cannibal Apocalypse,' 'Strip Nude for Your Killer,' and 'Marley and Me.'  I give an inner tut that says 'I'm the better parent.' 

Sometimes Bug points to the box where the Pixar films are kept and can get really grumpy until I put one on. It's not the same though. Cough.

I assume people judge me and my parenting. We're still breastfeeding Bug. I get a certain type of look when I mention this. At parks, Bug likes climbing slides more than sliding down them. I'm cool with that. A lot of parents disagree. I've overheard comments such as 'well done Timmy, you're using the steps unlike the devil child some people.'

I am not the perfect parent.

Still. I'm certain you shouldn't hurt children or call a complete stranger a cunt though.

Bye for now.



In other news, I've had a couple of weeks off work. We went to the park lots, picking daises and a lesser spotted Mickey:

1 comment:

  1. That is hilarious. Just spat my fennel tea over the computer.